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You and I

What happened to us? Why can’t we go back to the way it was? I miss the times when we just sit back and relax and just talk and not forgetting eat. That’s the best part. Our laughter and our jokes is always the best. We made people look to our direction. They must be thinking, these people must be crazy. But we didn’t care because we were having the times of our lives. Some people are jealous of us because of our closeness even knowing each other for just a moment. We came from different backgrounds but we just connected. Did you know that because of my new found friendship with you, I was secluded by others? I don’t know why. I was really hurt by their actions that I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Putting the blame on myself for their actions. I wanted to cry but what’s the use of crying. Because I know that even when I cry, they will not come running to comfort me. I was sad and hurt by their actions because the years of friendship meant nothing to them. When I confronted them, they scolded me. I don’t know why. I didn’t want to ask them anymore because once bitten twice shy.

But you showed me otherwise. Thought life would be miserable here but then I met you. You who talked to me and showed me things I never knew existed in this place. You who smiled at me first when every time we crossed each other’s path staring. I remember the time when we connected was when the superstar in our class did the presentation. Then every time when the superstar did some silly things we would understand by just looking at each other. Then we would laugh and imitate just like the number ‘seven’. Whenever we group, we could never talk serious things because we’ll always end up making a joke out of it and laugh afterwards. Even at the library we can’t stop. Not forgetting the prank we did on the motorcycle. Gosh that was how crazy we were. I never knew that I could be included in doing such thing. I shall remember that always. The change of taste and atmosphere was all because of you. That one night that you made me cry with laughter. There was nothing different between us because we were all crying and laughing. Never thought that the prank you wanted to do on others but you did it to yourself too. Our feeling was all the same. You made me eat things that I knew I wouldn’t eat it back home. Also found you, who could really eat making me feel unembarrassed to eat. You thought me the meaning of life with food. Speaking of food, reminds of the time that I brought things for you from back home. It has always been our routine to hangout, joke, tease and laugh. If we didn’t do any of these, it would be weird and not complete when we hangout because that’s us. I would never want that to change. I like it just the way it is.

But then something happened. What went wrong? To blame you is wrong because there’s nothing to blame. If there’s nothing to blame then there’s nothing to assume. There’s nothing to assume because went I first found out who you are, I knew that you’re a person who is out going. I can’t tie you to me just because you’re my friend. You have your own freedom like I have mine. I know that when I befriended you, you already have your own friends and I totally respect that. That is just who you are. A person who loves to hangout with their friends. I appreciate that you introduced me to your friends and invite me to hangout with them. But I know when I should just leave you with your friends because I know that they are like your family. And I totally understand that. That’s where my respect for you comes. You can call me a person with lack of attention or stubborn just because I leave you with your friends. I accept it. But I like to see happy people because happy people equals to people with no problems. You can call me weird but I smile to myself when I see happy people even though I’m not in the picture. I also noticed that you have to divide your time between your friends and me and sometimes you need your own time for rest. Don’t tell me that little time for yourself too I have to take it away. I can’t do that. If I do it, then I’m selfish. You tell me not to look down on myself. It shows you care. I’m happy. But please don’t make the evil side of me come out. You’ve seen what it could do. It hurt one of our friends and I think it also hurt you at one point. I don’t know. Maybe I did hurt you in some ways but I didn’t realize I was doing it. That side of me even hurt those who are really close to my heart. I’ve been trying and still trying to keep that side of me buried. And it’s really hard to do. That’s why I need my friends to remind me when the evil side tries to come out. I need the reminder so that I could bury it back. I know that the world can’t change for me. It is I who should change for the world. You tell me to change my attitude. I accept that criticism but some things I just can’t change. Some people may be able to do it but no matter how hard I try I just can’t do it. It is already who I am. If someone did something bad towards me, I should be angry and go to that person and clarify things. But I can’t. Why? It is not because I do not want to. But some things are better left unsaid especially when you have known the reason behind that problem and that person has said their sorry. No matter I do, I just could not change that side of me. Just like us with the assumptions and to clarify things. I saw sadness in your eyes that were not meant to be there. It hurt me because I felt in a way that I’ve hurt you. Until now I could still feel the pain. You may have forgotten what you’ve said or what I’ve said. But it doesn’t matter because no matter what you think of me I’ll still love you. Why? Because in you, I found another meaning of friendship. And I know that feeling is hard to come by and it is not found in every person because every person has their own agenda. I’m not assuming this because once bitten twice shy and I’ve learnt from it and also other people’s experience in life when they tell me things. I try to put myself into their shoe to understand the situation. That way I won’t say things wrongly.

Maybe you won’t be able to remember this but there was, sometime back that you said to me, I don’t share my problems with you. It’s not that I don’t want to but I know that if I share with you, you will be worried for me and try to share my problems with me. To lift the burden off my shoulder. That’s what friends are for and I know it. And when we meet, there would not be that smile that I use to see. No jokes that I use to hear. So it is better for me to not destroy that smile because that smile helped me to forget my problems. So now you know the reason behind it. Maybe you don’t see the logicality behind it but try and put yourself into my shoe and see. This is just the way I am. Crazy things may come across your mind right now but I’ve learnt that the happiest of people don’t necessarily don’t have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything that comes along their way. Just like when I found happiness in your smile, your laugher and your jokes and by just being with you. I don’t want to lose that happiness because I’ve lost it once and I know how it feels.

Dear Friend by Stacie Orrico

Dear Friend, what's on your mind
You don’t laugh the way you used to
But I've noticed how you cry
Dear friend, I feel so helpless
I see you sit in silence
As you face new pain each day
I feel there’s nothing I can do
I know you don’t feel pretty
Even though you are
But it wasn’t your beauty
That found room in my heart

Dear friend, you are so precious Dear Friend

Dear friend, I'm here for you
I know that you don’t talk too much
But we can share this day anew
Dear Friend, please don’t feel like you're alone
There is someone who is praying
Praying for your peace of mind
Hoping joy is what you'll find
I know you don’t feel weak
Even though you are
But it wasn’t your strength
That found room in my heart
Dear friend, you are so precious, Dear Friend

What's in my brain

How many of you believe in the 6th sense? If you do, have you ever experienced it? Is it real? How would you know? Mmm … I guess it does exists because I’ve been getting vibes from people nowadays. Or am I paranoid? I couldn’t be paranoid. Mmmmm … Nah ... I’m too young to be paranoid. It’s strange I know. You might call me crazy or a freak. I can’t help it. That’s your thinking and I respect that. But can the 6th sense hurt you? Maybe not physically but mentally, yes. People around you have this vibe. Positive and negative. Those who you know may send different vibe and you may or may not understand the feeling that you have inside you. People who are close to you even though they don’t say it, you could just feel it. Just like that (snaps finger). With one look at them or even the first word that they alter to you or by their body language and actions. The good and the bad but not the ugly. Not the ugly because ugliness is the physical outlook of a thing. That’s what I understand. I can’t explain the feeling, you just feel it. It’s like tickling your heart. Why is this happening? What’s the reason behind it? When these things happen? How do you face it? Definitely you can’t ‘forget it’ or ‘don’t care about it’. If this is what you’ll do, then you’re a person with no heart. Isn’t it? Or what you’re doing is for the good of the other person? All I can think of doing is to put myself into the other person’s shoe and try to understand. When I get these feelings I feel uncomfortable. Too many questions but where could we find the answers?

Things that happened around us, is it some kind of sign? Telling us that it should happen. It’s meant to be that way. Or is it telling us that we could prevent this from happening to others by taking the example from what we’ve seen before. But isn’t it cruel to let others experience it? Or is it meant to be? There’s a lot in this life that we can’t understand and there’s no exact answer to it. Why can’t we understand is because it’s nature. That is how we were created and for us, it’s known as human nature. It’s not like mathematics. Where there’s always a formula to the question. But not our lives. Our life is like a puzzle where every puzzle is connected to the other but whether it is the right one it depends. Depends on who? Us. Ourselves of cause. Who else? Our lives have already been planned even before we were born. How? Well, by our creator, who created this world. Some of you may not agree with me, but as a Christian Catholic, this is my believe. Our guardians only guide us through our daily lives. Teaching and advising us but it’s up to us to make the good out of it. In this world there’s always a choice. Good, bad, stupid, meaningless choices. Oh, just put everything in that category. It will do. But how do we choose and whether it’s the right one, is a mystery. How we lead our life will reflect on how we were brought up. Right? Or is it based on our experience. If it is based on our experience, which experience in life to take into account?

Experience could mean a lot of things. For me experience is when someone has done something wrong and learns from that mistake or if they have been doing the same thing over and over again. I don’t know whether I have a lot of experience because I know I still have a long to go and a lot of thing to learn. However, I do know how to separate right from wrong. When some things come across your mind, you will normally think about it. Some may forget about it, some may be paranoid about it, some may take it seriously but some will think and not assume about it. But if they do assume eventually they will have to test it out to understand the situation better. Isn’t it? Just like when you’re studying finance. There are all the assumptions and lastly the conclusion.
I know that reading this will come as a shock to some of you. You will have a lot of questions that needs answers. I myself could not believe that I’ve written such things. Weird I know. When I think of it, is as if it’s someone else’s writing. Hahahahahahah … I’m expecting for questions like, ‘Mone, you ok kah? Like got problem only you this?’ or ‘Mone, so not you lah?’ Those are some of the questions I know some people will ask … hehe … Oh yeah, please feel free to comment cos that’s why at the bottom is says ‘comment(s)’ or when you see me, you could ask me about it. No harm will come to you, will not be mad either. So if you have anything and I mean anything feel free to ask.

Twisted

GOSH!!!!!!!! The haze has just gotten even worst from my previous entry. Yer........dunno why lah the weather here, in West Msia, is like this. So very the horrible, terrible, vegetable....aiyo.....I know you people in Sabah are not facing this problem and if I'm not mistaken it's raining season there. Cuba gia you all blow the rain here....share-share la ba sikit harta Tuhan....sigh.....I need to take my bath now and later continue study cos FINALS on Monday.....ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.....Keep me in your prayers........

Someone must be mad up there......

The weather this past three days has been very bad. Suddenly on Tuesday afternoon the haze was really bad. In the night the haze has gotten worst. Our room smelled like smoke and the weather was VERY hot. Luckily my senesce didn’t attack if not I would be lying on the bed all night long. When I was taking my shower, I felt like I didn’t want to stop showering because the water was so cooling. Yer....panas oh...sia mo balik Penampang oh....tapi apa buli buat.....exam dulu......aiy.......

Living Hell and Heaven - The End

I shall continue the happenings from my last entry. So where was I? Oh yeah, on Monday had to pass up the second last of my assignment. That assignment was I think the most terrible one that I’ve done because I could not understand the question and obviously I was just writing and explaining nonsense. After passing up that assignment, I had a chance to have a good sleep before starting on the last individual assignment.

Had lunch with the gang on the following Thursday at Peeps Bistro. Finally got a chance to go there cos since last semester Shanti has been saying that we should go to this place for a meal. Of all the things that they could order, they ordered Nasi Lemak and Wantan Soup. So la. I’m hurt. Hehehe… No la. If just because of that, I’m hurt already then I’m not the Simone you all know…heheh… I ordered spaghetti but I think it was too much cos I felt osumo while eating it. I did take pictures of our food. Wanna see? Then you’ll have to wait. The rest of the week was as usual, search information and tried reading and understanding but the laziness attacks. The whole 2 weeks have been good cos it had been raining. The weather was very nice and soooo good to sleep.

Passed up the last individual assignment. Yeah!!! NOT. The last of the last assignment was due that following Friday. What a life isn’t it? Of cos some of you have been through it. Student life mah. The last assignment was a group assignment but I think I ended up doing the whole thing. Our work was divided but then again everything was just there cos the information that I found was complete so my other group member didn’t have to worry about the calculation part. Eventually I volunteered to do the theory part so yeah I had to crack my head to think what should be explained. I even got scolded by Nick hehe it was so funny. We were at the dining hall trying to finish the assignment so Nick came to study with us. Ivy and Alex too since they’re my group member. Around 5am Nick was asking me to hurry up because he was sleepy and hungry. We ended up going to Al-Salam. Crazy people? Yeah I agree. I have been eating right since last month cos I got fat but have not been sleeping right.

I do not and have never blamed you. What gave you the idea? I’m surprised that you apologized to me. Never came to my mind that you’re to blame or anyone. I didn’t know the deal so I have nothing to assume. Just waited to be informed. And besides it’s the past….. Hakuna Matata…..

After a very long wait, finally got to taste the ever more yummiest teh tarik ice in Nilai. Really you know, no other place could compete, even Al-Salam. We, the gang with Villa, went to Nasi Kandar on Tuesday and I had two glasses of teh tarik ice. However, the curry was a little bit too spicy even they said it. But the food was still yummy and I was full up to the brim hehehehehe…….

Have been having dinner with Jesse@Judith these past few days. It’s good to hang out with old friends. Lots of things to talk about especially the ‘times’ and not forgetting I’m able to use the bahasa Sabah. Our laughter even made heads turn. We’re loud I know. Laughter is the best medicine right? Oh, have been playing pool at the bakery but I don’t seem to improve. In fact getting worst. Gosh I suck. I guess the skill is not in my blood.